Ryamos_V_S: A Reply to SimCity Update

SimCity 2013 Meteor StrikeSimCity Mayor Ryamos_V_S posted his reply to Lucy’s Blog Entry entitled “A SIMCITY UPDATE…AND SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE.”

Originally posted as a comment here.

Let me, please, inject a little reality into your world, Ms Bradshaw:

“I know that’s a little contrived – kind of like buying a present for a friend after you did something crummy. But we feel bad about what happened. We’re hoping you won’t stay mad and that we’ll be friends again when SimCity is running at 100 percent.” A little contrived? “Here, I just fucked your husband, take this nice watch, sorry.” is what this is.

I don’t want an EA game. You’re offering to make me pay for one quarter-pound-shit burger, and then give me a small shit burger free. What you’ve missed? It’s all a shit burger. You wanna make this up to us? Give us offline mode so we don’t have to deal with your inbred “techs” trying to build up an actual working server network from scratch. Ya know, the cockgoblins that put down two servers a region for a game that ONLY plays online when according to you: “The good news (for our wallets) is that SimCity is a solid hit in all major markets.” Really? Then maybe you want people to play the products they purchased from you? EA is gaining a solid reputation as the McDonalds of gaming. A Quarter Pound of Pure Shit per game plus Fries (i.e. bugs and constant problems) with every release.

Allow me to reiterate what I said to dear “Kip” after his attempt to kiss my customer ass:

“Message from Senior Producer Kip Katsarelis:

This has been an exciting and challenging week for the team here at Maxis, the culmination years of planning and development. We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and enthusiasm from our fans which has made it even more upsetting for us that technical issues have become more prominent in the last 24 hours. We are hitting a number of problems with our server architecture which has seen players encountering bugs and long wait times to enter servers. This is, obviously, not the situation we wanted for our launch week and we want you to know that we are putting everything we have at resolving these issues.

What we are doing is deploying more servers over the coming two days which will alleviate many of the ongoing issues. We are also paying close attention to all the bug reports we are receiving from our fans. We’ve already pushed several updates in the last few days. Our live ops team is working 24/7 to resolve issues and ensure that bug fixes roll into the game as quickly as possible.

While the ongoing issues are troubling, we can also see that players are really enjoying the game. In a single 24 hour period, there were more than 38 million buildings plopped down, nearly 7 and a half million kilometers of roads laid down, 18+ million fires started and (my favorite fact) over 40 million pipes filled up with poop.

This team has put everything into this game and won’t stop until things are smooth. We ask our fans to be patient as our team works diligently to fix the issues. We share your passion for SimCity and thank you for your support and understanding.

Really? Why would you tell me how many things happened in the only time-frame that you guys didn’t fark up this game as if that’ll make me go “oh, gee, that’s swell, they must be working Really hard to fix my….pipe of poop?!” Are you brain damaged? Do you want me to fly out and tighten your godforsaken helmet for you?

Honestly, this is just like EA’s stunning launch of SimCity Societies. You remember, the game that took more than a week to patch so we could actually play the game, instead of getting error messages at launch?

All our anger aside, let’s look at the hard facts. EA has had “…years of planning and development…” (a direct quote from above, from their senior producer…Kip…) to get this right. You knew your entire game was going to be online; you’re neither the first nor the last to need servers, so maybe you should’ve over-prepared and given more than two server sets a region? Better to pay for the things now and they’re in place than rush them into integration later at twice the cost (installation, integration, troubleshooting, and all that takes people and money – especially post-launch in a feeble rush to trick people into buying your product by saying “just a hiccup, we’re on it.”. Did you though? No. No you didn’t even think ahead that Maybe people would be eager for this game (I’ll tell ya I lost that eagerness after the first few hours I played before the servers crashed and never fixed themselves) or that there could be more sales than projected. And even if you considered that, the hells did you do about it? Squat. Or, to be more frank, you rolled on the floor in glee at the money you’d make selling people a broken toy like some carnival vendor with missing teeth, an ugly leer at our sister, and the stink of cheap whiskey on your breath. Incase you didn’t notice, “our sister” refers to “our money”.

Could things have been done differently? Certainly. The ability to have an offline mode, for one, would’ve been fantastic – especially given all the concern about lack thereof, and how many people just honestly don’t want to play online – can’t imagine why though, it’s so je-jo-jo-j-………server not found, cannot complete thought, please try again later.
Do I blame the developers? Certainly. You knew this was a bad idea from moment 1. All you had to do was browse Youtube (not to find bad ideas…though that’ll be unavoidable on Youtube) and look at the sheer size and scope of some cities people had crafted with Simcity 4 deluxe edition. They’re gi-freakin-normous. What the hell made any of you think we’d want small little cities? We want metropolises, carved out of mountains and floating upon coastal waves of blue bliss. I want self-contained urban jungles. And if I feel like expanding beyond that, then I’ll hop on a server and play with other people to collaborate on epic regional adventures. But don’t tell me a game that I paid nearly $86 (Canadian) for does not work because you don’t have the sense to see a bad idea when it stares at you from the board meeting table and projector screen.
Do I blame the programmers? Oh man, I’d slap you idiots with my junk so hard I’d never be able to orgasm again! Why? Because you’re in charge of making this thing work! So even if you get told “Make live this castle of crap that shall reap unto us a month of profits before no one touches us with a ten foot pole again!” you should have the brains to A) quit and work for a better company, B) Stand up and say “no way, we’ll lose our reputation (HA! Oh man I laugh everytime I think of ‘reputation’ and ‘EA’ together) and what little profit we can make from the gaming industry now that people despise us like the mutant offspring of Snookie and Justin Beiber!” and try and explain to them what a real Sim game should be, or C) take what you’re given and make it not suck. You failed all three; and, point of interest – you made this thing INTO the goddamn mutant offspring of Snookie and Beiber! Were you part of my company or software team, you’d find yourselves a pink slip and a one year subscription to the jam of the month club – the last one being so you can taste your bittersweet failure every month.

Who’s left? Ah of course, the creator of this monster made of tentacle-* from a bad fanboy hentai slash flick. What kind of brain damaged, mentally degraded, money grubbing, jerkoff pulls a sphincter-puckering maneuver like this to not only the fans of this game, but his or her bloody customer base?! Ya wanna know what kind? The same genital-goblin that made Atari’s ET. Remember that game, boys and girls? The one that created the famous Atari Landfill, and ruined Atari for years? You’ll notice Atari doesn’t have a console anymore; should EA be allowed to make games, then, after the same constant set of mind-churning actions? Ya know, Kip, what’s filling our pipes with poop at the moment? The gut-damaging frustration of EA’s constant patronizing actions after each one of its boneheaded, ignorant, downright jack-arsed moves it makes: you guys make a game out of grade F plague-rat meat, churn it through the marketing meatgrinder with just a hint of lame horse so we think “hmm, maybe this won’t be [i]quite[/i] the garbage as the last product”, sprinkle it with a little golden glitter, wrap it in a huge bow (this being the reviews you’ve paid most magazines like Electronic Gaming Monthly to give about your dead rat burger) and then, when we realize you’ve given us the plague and we want something done about it (like a cure, and our money the hell back), you quote Donald F-ing Trump at us “It’s not personal, it’s business.”

Guess what? Businesses go bankrupt all the time. It happens Really quickly when you sell us a turd, call it a steak, and we get our money back because we got sick. Of You.”

Do I feel differently after yet Another day of being able to play my game long enough to fill one of those Amazing! 40+ million pipes of shit? No. This game should be refunded to everyone, repaired, given an on and offline mode, and given back to the players as only the digital deluxe edition for those that have bought the game already. For Free.

-Ryamos_V_S

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